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Ask Beth

Date: 3/23/11
Q - From Scott: Hey I've always fantasized about my wife having sex with other men. I took her virginity and she hasn't had sex with any one else and I just want to open her up a little bit try and give her some fun and explore. I don't mind if its in front of me or while I'm not in or around the room but I'm just not sure how to ask her cause she's not a huge sex freak like I am... How do I get it around to her? Got any ideas?

A - Scott, I get a lot of questions like this.  It often amazes me and worries me when married couples have such a lack of communication when it comes to sex.  Sexual incompatibility is one of the top reasons why marriages fail yet so many couples can't have an open conversation about their needs, wants and desires.  Don't expect to turn your wife into a sex machine or swinger with a single suggestion or request.  Futhermore if you did convince her to fuck another man without having some serious conversations about what your were both expecting first you can almost guarantee that one or both of you will have regrets.  Tell your wife that you would like to start having regular conversations about sex.  Don't wait until you are in bed, do it when you have quiet time.  Start slowly.  See if you can get her to pick out a pornographic movie, either on pay per view or at the local video store.  Watch it together and discuss it afterward.  Ask her what she liked about the movie and what she didn't.  Go to a sex shop together where they sell adult toys and each pick something out and go home and play.   Do these things and please email me again and let me know how it is going.   

Date: 6/18/10
Q - From Broken Promises:  Dear Beth, My wife and I married young, neither having very much sexual experience beforehand.  We have a good sex life and we are very open with each other.  Karen was the one who first suggested that we bring other people into the bedroom.  We talked about it for several days before agreeing that we would find a guy for a threesome and then later we would find a woman and it do again.  We are both straight so there was no expectation of any bisexual stuff.  We found several guys online that Karen was hot to trot with.  I let her do the corresponding and make the pick.  The guy was well endowed, muscular and turned out the be a very good lover.  We both enjoyed the encounter a lot.  Once it was my turn Karen started making excuses and back peddling.  She finally admitted that she was uncomfortable with me habing sex with anyone that was younger, skinnier, or prettier than she is.  She put up so many conditions that it was impossible to find the right threesome partner.  Our first threesome with that guy was 6 months ago.  Since then, I have let Karen bring 2 other men into our bedroom and she is asking to do it again.  She doesn't even want to talk about a threesome with a woman now.  The game isn't so fun for me now and I am feeling a little resentful.  Any advice?

A - Wow.  Sounds very unfair.  Unless you are enjoying the MMF threesomes, you need to put your foot down immediately and tell your wife that YOU have fulfilled YOUR part of the original deal and don't want to play anymore.  Your wife sounds very insecure and it is doubtful that she is ever going to agree to participating in a threesome involving another woman, unless that woman is 70 years old, ugly and weighs 400 pounds.  I have three suggestions:  See if she will agree to finding a woman in a city that is a day's drive from where you live.  Some place you can getaway to for a weekend.  This could calm some of her jealousy and fear that you might fall for a woman that you guys hookup with.  Option #2 is find a couple that you can get to know and swap with.  She may be less insecure bringing a couple into the bedroom and if she is busy with the guy she may less worried about what is happening with you and the other woman.  In fact I would recommend that you avoid a same room swap if you do this.  My last suggestion is to modify your original agreement to a "Free Pass" agreement.  This is like an open marriage where you give each other permission to have the occasional sex encounter without any strings.  

For anyone reading this, I can say I hear stories like this a lot where couples end up disappointed because they rush into something without talking through their feelings and if either partner is prone to jealousy it will just not turn out well.  I would even suggest that when making a deal like this that you put it in writing listing all your conditions up front.  

Date: 1/01/10
Q - From Andy:  Dear Beth,  My wife and I have been married for 14 years we are very secure in our relationship. We want to have a MMF threesome.  I have an average size cock.  We have decided that we want the man we choose to have a large member but nothing too big. How do we find out what is to long  we know that she likes up to 2.5 thick.  If a swinger site is the way to go which one do you recommend.  Thanks for your advice and Happy New Year. We love to read the confessions and really enjoy your site. We are thinking about sending you some pics but haven't built up the courage yet..


A - Finding a guy for a MMF threesome should be easy.  One of the most important things I can recommend for anywone who is considering hooking up with someone they meet online is to get a yahoo or hotmail or gmail account that you will use strictly for the purpose of corresponding with potential sex partners.  Never use an email address you use for other purposes.  It is too easy for someone to search and find personal information about you on places such as social networking sites or anywhere you have ever posted anything online.  Second, don't put yourself on free sites such as craigslist.  That place is full of scammers and picture collectors.  I advertise Adult Friend Finder on mynaughtystory and recommend it because I have used it personally and it is the largest adult community online.  It is actually owned by the people who own Penthouse magazine and has been around for many years.  Like any of the legitimate swinging sites and there are a few other good ones out there you will have to pay a few bucks to join.   This is a good thing because it screens out the fakes and "just curious" folks who are likely to back out after wasting your time with 40 emails.  As far as the cock size, anything over 6 inches in length can cause the same amount of pain if you are being impaled by an inconsiderate lover.  Find someone who will respect your's and your wife's limits.  More important than having a big dick is the ability to get hard and stay hard and pace himself.  Setup a meeting in a public place and don't rush into bed.  If either your or your wife doesn't get the right vibe from the guy don't go through with it.  I would love to hear how this works out for you.

Date: 12/20/09
Q - From tc1017:  Dear Beth,  I have been dating this woman for about 8 months now and I finally got her to open up to me during a session of pillow talk. She admitted to me that her ex-husband had a very large penis compared to mine (just shy of four and a half inches erect) and she never thought it would really make a difference but it does. She admitted that I was really good at oral but she really misses the feeling of a big penis going in and out. Is there anything else I can do, or is our relationship doomed?.


A - Take it as a very good sign that your girl is being open with you.  You don't have to be a genius to realize that there would be a difference between a 4 inch cock and say a 9 inch cock.  The saying that size doesn't matter is a lie made up by a guy with a short cock.  Just because you have a short dick though doesn't mean your relationship is doomed though.  Use a big dildo or large zuchinni to work her pussy over real good while licking her clit or sucking her tits.  Encourage her to continue to be open with you.  Some couples find that bringing in another male with a big cock to share her is a way to keep her satisfied and keep her from straying. Good luck with everything.

Date: 10/15/08
Q - From Greg:  Dear Beth,  What is the best position to make a woman cum from intercourse?  I think my girlfriend is faking orgasms.  I overheard her talking to her girlfriend on the phone last week.  She thought I was outside raking leaves.  She was bragging about what a good fuck her ex boyfriend was.  I am afraid I am going to lose her.


A - It sounds like she probably is faking her orgasms.  Every woman is different regarding what feels best and makes them cum.  Few women can cum without some stimulation of their clit.  Most women enjoy the feeling of a cock inside their pussy while having their clit rubbed, either by their partner or doing it themself.  I can't say enough about making sure she is ready before you fuck.  Try licking and fingering her pussy and getting her very close to cumming before ramming your cock in there.  Take her out for a romantic dinner, somewhere intimate and tell her you want to learn how to be a better lover and get her to feel comfortable talking to you about what she needs.  If you ignore this she will eventually find her pleasure somewhere else.

Date: 2/08/08
Q - From Marie:  Beth, My boyfriend and I have been living together for several months. I am very interested in getting him to try swinging with me.  There is a swing club in our town and I have been reading a lot on the subject online.  My boyfriend is very shy and reserved when it comes to sex.  I think the experience would give him confidence and make things more exciting.  Do you have any advice?


A - Your boyfriend sounds like my ex-husband.  This will sound harsh, but you should ditch the guy and find someone who is more sexually compatible.  Life is too short to be with someone who has a bunch of sex hangups.  You will just be miserable and create problems if you try and get him to do this.  The other alternative is to find a secret lover.  Based on your description of your boyfriend though I bet his is one of those jealous clingers who tracks your every move.  If that is the case it is just another sign that you are not going to be happy with this guy. Get out while you can.

Date: 12/01/07
Q - From Megan:  Dear Beth, I have been living with my boyfriend Kevin for 3 years now.  When I first moved in he couldn't keep his hands off me.  We had sex at least once a day sometimes more.  Now I have to beg him for sex.  I feel like we are an old married couple all of a sudden.  Do you think he is cheating on me?   How can I spice things back up?


A - Megan, I hate to say it, but there is a good chance your boyfriend is getting pussy somewhere else.   It is a sad thing but common that a lot of women take things for granted after they marry a guy or move it.  In the meantime there are a lot of sluts out there who are probably coming onto your boyfriend or trying to fuck him.   The cause of him looking for sex outside the relationship could be many.  Have you gained weight?  Stopped dressing sexy or putting on makeup or stopped sucking his cock?  My advice for you if you want to save this relationship is to be the sexiest most desirable freakiest fuck you can be and let him know that if he wants to keep your pussy he better take care of it and not fuck around.  Avoid being fragile or acting jealous or clingy.  That is the best way to drive him into the arms of another woman.  

Date: 9/19/07
Q - From Frank: Beth, I am 25 years old and have been masturbating at least two times and sometimes as many as five times a day for as long as I can remember.  I jack off so much that my cock is raw.  Do you think there is something wrong with me?


A - You don't mention wheter you are having sex in addtion to masturbating.  A poll I did awhile back included a question about the freqency that guys masturbated.  13% of guys say they masturbated more than once a day, so I don't think you are unusual.  I hope the masturbation doesn't interefere with having sexual intimacy with a partner though.

masturbation, jacking off, whacking off.

Date: 8/19/07
Q - From Girl on Top: My boyfriend loves when I'm on top but I dont really know what I'm doing.  I'm hoping to get a few tips from you. thanks!.


A - If you are on top in the standard female superior position looking at your boyfriend you have to undestand that most sensitive parts of your genitals are at opposite ends.  Your clit is facing forward and at the base of his cock while the most sensitive area of his cock is at the tip and just under the head.  The motion that feels best for you in this position probably won't give him the most satisfaction.  This position works best if your partner has a very firm erection and you have a tight pussy or good muscle control.   It is best to try this position before your partner has an orgasm.  Otherwise he may not be hard enough to stay inserted.  It is difficult for most guys to get enough stimulation in this position to have an orgasm.  If your goal is to make your partner cum then you need to ride up and down on his cock while squated on top but not sitting.  To do this you must be in good shape and have good strong legs.  More typically the goal of a woman getting on top is for her own pleasure.  If this is the goal you will normally sit on his cock, resting most if not all of your weight on his lap and enjoy the deep penetration and rocking your clit against the base of his cock.  My personal routine is to suck my man until he is good and wet and stimulated, then I squat over him and slide down slowly and pump up and down a few times the entire length before sitting completely on his hard cock.  I will then go to work pleasing myself while encouraging my man to play with my tits or talk dirty to me.  I can ususally cum in less than 5 minutes this way.  Afterward I will let my guy fuck me in any position that he chooses or I will finish him with my mouth.

Date: 8/17/07
Q - I am a 23/m and I recently started noticing my 45-50ish year old neighbor she is single and doesn't have any kids at home. I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to hook up with her for some fun a possibly dating. I have been with slightly older women before 6 years older was the oldest but I have no idea what to do or say or even how to bring the situation up with her. And I have no idea how she feels about me.


A -The first thing you need to do is introduce yourself.  Wave, walk over and introduce yourself.   Offer to give her a hand if she ever needs help with some kind of manly chore.  Be outgoing.  Women love that.  Unless she is a real bitch she will be kind.  If she acts like a bitch then she isn't worth your time anyway.  Give her a card with your number on it.  Chances are she will be very flattered that a young guy like you is interested in her even if she doesn't have the same interest in you.  You aren't likely to get invited in to fuck on the first contact.  Try and find some mutual interest.  Invite her over for a glass of wine.  Make sure your place isn't a mess.  Once the ice has been broken, just be honest and tell her you find her attractive.  No one likes to be rejected, but this woman is in her sexual peak and I bet she would love to have a young stud in the neighborhood to fuck.

Date: 7/8/07
Q - My girlfriend doesn't really like it when I go down on her for some reason.  She prefers I work on her clit, but I don't feel like I'm giving her top quality oral then.  I want to blow her mind with oral so she'll then reciprocate.  She had a bad experience with an ex-boyfriend who basically made her give oral, so now in turn, me the guy who loves her, doesn't get much head longer than 2 minutes.  Any advice on how I could get better at eating her out?


A1 - I am bisexual and have eaten out my share of pussies plus I have one of my own (lol) so I feel qualified to answer this question.  First of all I don't understand why you feel working on your GFs clit isn't giving her top quality oral.  Most women enjoy receiving oral sex specifically because their clit gets more stimulation than from interecourse.  My own preference is to have my clit licked and sucked while a couple of fingers are inserted and slowly moved in an out and touching my g spot.  If the fingers action is too much it distracts me from what is being done to my clit.  I prefer to have my clit flicked softly at first, then building to faster harder flicking and then to hard sucking or even light biting.  A woman that masturbates frequently or who uses a vibrator on her clit may need more clit stimulation to have an orgasm.  Everyone is different.  Just like some guys like to have a hand assist with a blow job or have their balls played with and some don't.  The best way to solve this mystery is to have an open discussion with your GF and tell her you want some feedback while eating her out to improve your technique with her.  
A2 - There could be a variety of reasons why your GF isn't into giving head.  It could be the bad experience you mention, it could be your hygiene (smegma), some guys have a bad taste or odor and don't realize it.   Again the best thing to do is to have an open and honest discussion about it.  I can tell you that this could be a potentially huge problem to your relationship.  The number one reason that guys cheat is to get sexual fulfilliment and satisfaction they aren't getting in their current relationship.  (women tend to do it to get emotional fulfillment).  

Date: 7/8/07
Q - Beth, Any tips on how to get my girlfriend into the idea of swinging?  This is simply out of curiosity.  She is my high school sweetheart for nearly the past 3 years, and the problem is I have never had another girlfriend.  I'm not interested in cheating because I love her, but I'd like to lick and fuck some other girls before I commit for life.


A - No one, I repeat no one should suggest the idea of swinging to their partner unless they are totally secure in the relationship and the sex is already good.   It is my opinion that human beings like most animals are not naturally monogamous.  Swinging in a healthy relationship can help fulfill the desires and excitement of experiencing sex with other people as long as there is no jealousy and both partners are getting something out of it.  I have seen several bad situations when a guy has put pressure on his wife or girlfriend to swing and she is doing it because she fears that if she doesn't he will stray.  Be careful to avoid that scenario.  Also ask yourself if you are ready to see or hear that sweet GF of yours getting pounded by some stud.  I recall a swing party I attended recently where the woman seemed reluctant at first but eventually got into all the attention that she was getting from several different guys and ended up in a room getting gang banged by four guys at the same time.  Her boyfriend got pissed and stormed out.  The woman now attends the parties with a new guy.  I suggest that you work on having the kind of relationship where you and your GF can have open discussions about all of your fantasies.

Date: 7/6/07
Q - What is the best way to get into swinging?


A - Well first of all I don't recommend swinging with friends or neighbors.  Lots of people do but there are a lot of potential problems with that.  I strongly recommend joining an online swinger's site.  I have good personal experience with AFF which is why I promote them on my site.  There are others out there that are good, but I don't have personal experience with them so I don't recommend them.  Some people balk at spending a few bucks to join a website, but there are several advantages for spending a few bucks to join an adult dating site.  First, you are less likely to have your friends, coworkers, neighbors etc. find out about your personal business if you are on a site that is geared toward people who have the same interest (swinging).  Anyone accessing profiles is there for the same reason.  Second, free sites and chat rooms are full of spammers and scammers.  There are many ads on sites like Craigslist that look real but they are trying to get your personal information or email address for the purpose of spamming you.   Once you have a profile and ad on AFF, you can exchange messages through the system without having to disclose your email address until you are ready to do so.


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As I have said in my blog, I love getting fan mail.  Occasionally readers ask me questions regarding sex, relationships, swinging and a variety of other things.  This is the place where my readers can get answers to their questions.  This advice is worth what you pay for it (nothing) but I will make every effort to answer your questions promptly and honestly.  Feel free to email me your questions about anything.  I will never publish or share your email address.  See my privacy policy for more details.  I will post the answers to questions here.  

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